Ok. If you know me, you know I love a good conspiracy theory. Not that I believe in them all, per se—I just appreciate a really good one. Most of them are fabricated nonsense. Except ones about Big Foot. Those ones are real. For real. Have you been to Snoqualmie Falls in Washington state? I swear I saw him up there.
That’s a story for another day. This column is about how the Patriots have cheated yet again.
I was in Seattle when fellow Guy on the Sideline, Matty G, broke the news that Brown was signing with the Pats.
“Are you freaking kidding me?”
That was my reaction and the reaction of most of the collective football world this opening weekend of football.
So there’s no way that the Pittsburgh Steelers make a deal with the Patriots – really no team for that matter would make a deal with the Pats. That’d be like making a deal with Kim Jong-Un or Vladdy Putin.
So the Steelers turned to Jon Gruden, Mike Mayock, and the Oakland Raiders. Trade the talented-yet-overdramatic Brown to the Black Hole? Made sense. And so the deal was done.
For whatever reason, Brown, who could have started fresh in Oakland, returned to his former self and was nothing but trouble for the Raiders.
Therein is where Roger Goodell needs to send his investigators. I submit that somewhere along the way Billy Belchick and Antonio Brown had a little convo. Maybe Brady sent a text that we’ll never know about because his “old phone was smashed with a hammer”? Did that really happen?
If the Patriots are willing to deflate a football a few PSIs or video tape a practice to steal signs, and do who knows what else, why do you think they wouldn’t reach out to a star receiver they coveted to make some arrangement?
“Hey, AB. It’s TB – as in Tom Brady. Listen, I just spoke with Robert Kraft and Bill Belichick and they assure me if you implode out there in Oakland, they are willing to write you a fat check and there will be a nice little signing bonus for you, too.”
“You serious? All I gotta do is go crazy in Oakland. Say no more. I got this.”
“Yeah, send me your ring size too, and we’ll get that Super Bowl ring sizing in for you. Oh, by the way, Gronk isn’t really retired. He’ll be back for the playoffs. Just experimenting with a little CBD oil right now. That’s all.”
“Sweet, TB. I’ll see you in Foxboro in no time. You don’t think we’ll get busted for tampering or somethin’?”
“You kidding me? This league needs my beautiful face all over everything. I mean some hate me, and some love me, but you can’t dispute I’m good for this league. Roger will look the other way. Have you not been payin’ attention?”
And there, ladies and gentleman, is how it likely went down.
We can only wait for some fake “investigation” to take place after the season, for the Patriots to be “cleared.”
And so there is another interesting storyline to the 2019 NFL Season.
You heard it here first from the Guys on the Sideline.